I was throwing rings at a pole when the old man first appeared.
He was wearing a bowtie and old-fashioned brown trousers, and his snow white hair was tidily combed. His suspenders were neatly stitched up and the brim of his glasses showed signs of wear. To put it shortly, everything about him seemed old.
Everything, except for his eyes that shone with the same light as those of a child on Christmas Eve.
"Who are you?" he asked
I opened my mouth to answer, when suddenly I heard the voice of a woman, loud and clear.
"The carousel has opened!"
The crowd streamed in the direction of the carousel and I went with them. A carousel ride sounded wonderful. And there, I saw him again.
I had had a fun ride, sitting on the back of a wooden lion, the bright lights of the carnival seeming to revolve around me. The old man was standing next to the lion when I got off.
"Who are you?" he asked again. "How did you get here?"
"My name is Felix", I said. "But why are you asking these questions? You look so worried. Why not have fun like the others?"
"How did you get here?" he repeated. "Can you remember?"
I had to laugh. What a silly question! Of course I could remember- wait.
He was right. How did I get here?
It had been raining.
What was happening to me? How long had I been at this carnival?
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was the woman who had announced the carousel opening.
"What`s the matter, child?" she asked. "Why aren`t you having fun like the others?"
"The old man..."
I looked in his direction, but he had vanished.
"There is no old man here, silly!", she said, smiling cheerfully
Right, I thought. Why did I think there was an old man? Silly indeed!
"Did you know that your name means Lucky?", she asked. "You should test your luck by winning some of these prizes!"
I did not question how she knew my name. Why should I? Of course she knew. This was her carnival.
I strolled towards a balloon game, where there was only one other person with me.
It was the old man.
"Do you know her name?", he asked.
"You agin with your funny questions!", I said. "Of course I know her name, everyone does! She..."
I stopped. Her name was Death. She was Death. And if this was her carnival...
Oh no. Oh god, no. How could I have been so stupid?
The old man sighed. "It wasn`t your fault", he said. "She wants you to trust her, so you follow her into her domain. And she can be hypnotic, if she wants to."
"Am I dead?" I whispered, my voice shaking. My knees felt like they were going to give in any moment and I sank to the ground. I was wearing breeches, similar to the ones I`d seen in illustrations of people in the 18th century. Why?
"You are not", said Death, appearing next to me. All the tempting sweetness from before had left her voice.
The old man turned around and walked away.
"Wait!", I cried. "Where are you going?"
"He cannot stay", said Death. "We are too different, me and him and so he must go whenever I arrive. He is everything that I am not."
"What do you want?", I asked her. "Why did you bring me here?"
"I did not bring you here, child. I don`t bring anybody here, but everyone comes at some point. This is the in-between, a place where everyone goes who is currently hovering between life and death."
"What happened to me?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. Death tilted her head.
"Surely you can remember."
It had been raining. I was already late for school and was driving as fast as I could. And then that car had ignored a red light and everything had gone so fast and there had been this horrible, horrible noise of metal bending and breaking and-
I could not remember anything past that.
"How do I get back?", I demanded.
She frowned. "I never had to answer that question. Most of you come and go without me having a say in it, when they die or the doctors succeed in rescuing them. But not you."
"Why not?"
"I suppose it is because you saw my true nature", she said. "You must be exceptionally smart."
I had help."
"Ah, yes", she sighed. "The old man Life does not want the humans to come with me, so he always meddles with my affairs."
To be fair, she had been meddling with my head, but I was not about to speak up to Death.
"Now, since you found me out, I will let you choose. Do you want to return to your life or come with me?"
"I want to return."
"Are you sure?", she asked. "You are heavily injured and you`ll be in so much pain. And even if you heal completely, what does life have in store for you? Heartbreak, pain, illness? Dreams you`ll never be able to fulfill? Your loved ones dying? You won`t find peace there, but look how much fun you had at the carnival. Imagine how happy you`d be in my realm! Come with me!"
No, that was wrong. She was messing with my head again.
"How often do you think yourself to be worthless? How many days have you spent despairing because of your self-doubt? How many nights did you lie awake, thinking about the mistakes you made until you convince yourself that everything is ultimately your fault? You know well that life is not kind."
I could feel my eyes starting to burn and doubt creeped in. What if it really were better? Why shouldn`t I just go with her?
"Tell me, is there anything really worth the pain?"
A gust of wind swept by and send a few dead leaves tumbling down the street.
Leaves.
"I like leaves", I muttered.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I love the way they fall in autumn and the joy of finding the ones that crunch when you step on them. How they look in spring and summer, a sea of greens. And how they sound when the wind brushes through them."
I lifted my head and looked Death in the eyes.
"I love staying up late to watch a movie with my friends. I love playing Mario Kart with my brother. I love walking down the street and seeing squirrels and hearing birds. Yes, life can be pain. But still it`s worth living for all the great moments and all the small joys. All the moments of 3 a.m., I am sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea and feeling at peace. I would never want to abandon that. So, yes. I do wish to return."
Death`s face was unreadable.
"I do pity you", she said. "But alas, you shall go home."
She pointed in the direction of the ring-throwing game.
"Go eastwards. You`ll know when you see it."
I did as she said, walking past the carousel and taking in the view. There were people eating ice cream, buying balloons, can throwing or playing fishing games. All of them in old-fashioned clothing.
Finally, I reached the edge of the carnival. The last stand was a small house, its door opened slightly. After that, there were fields of yellow wheat stretching as far as I could see and probably further.
I opened the door fully and stepped inside. It was dark, and for a second I could not see anything while my eyes adjusted to the light. The air was dusty and stale and I could barely make out the carpet I was standing on. There was a door on the other side of the small room. I pushed it open and stood in a theatre, the red curtains closed and the rows of seats empty.
I walked towards the stage and stretched out my hand. Slowly, very slowly, I pushed aside the curtain.
I was looking outside.
This was my city from a bird`s eye view. There was my house, and over there was my school, and this… was the hospital. Where I probably was right now.
"Hey, Death?"
She appeared next to me.
"Did you change your mind?"
I shook my head. "I have one last question. Why is it a carnival?"
"Find out for yourself." She winked at me and disappeared.
So I took a deep breath. And went on stage.